Proof that I was insane even back in college

Published 5 Jun 2005

I just picked up a book off the bookshelf to thumb through: The End of Evolution: On Mass Extinctions and the Preservation of Biodiversity by Peter Ward. Inside the front cover is an inscription from one of my college professors:

Andrea— It has been a gas getting to know you during the past four years. Thank you for contributing to four of my classes and for taking the time to discuss cool ideas. Even though it is difficult to do at times, you need to be patient with yourself— you have many talents and interests so it is not surprising that you have difficulty getting a focus on one thing. You will. Keep in touch – Best wishes. 9 June 1994.

Heh heh. So I picked up this book on extinction to take a break from slogging through the sample chapters I downloaded of DHTML Utopia Modern Web Design Using JavaScript & DOM by Stuart Langridge. I also have half-finished O’Reilly books on XSLT and PHP5 sitting next to me. The reason I’m reading in the first place is to take a break from making 30 screenshots for the next article in my series about graphic design. You may have noticed that I also have an unfinished series going about Why Most University Web Sites Suck.

In the past year I have also read everything Jane Austen has written, plus some Thackery, George Eliot, Flaubert, and Henry James, since I was feeling like I had missed out on European literature being a scientist and all. I do, however, have quite an education in Spanish literature, since I double-majored in that and biology in college. I still read Neruda in Spanish often, and I’ll never forget the tears in the eyes of my professor in Madrid when he told us the story of “como matáron a Lorca”. I have also have a random passion for knitting, and in the past year I have knitted a sweater for Stella, an outfit for Maddie, and have about three sweaters for myself half finished.

Maybe some day I’ll be able to focus on just one thing, as my college professor predicted, but I seriously doubt it. I don’t think it’s in my genes. I’m never satisfied, always searching, and never finding what I’m looking for. I feel pressure to define my existence, specialize, and become an expert in something, but I don’t think I have the attention span. And I don’t really have the desire, either. I want to know everything about everything and know how it all works together. I feel like the whole game of life was developed by someone who wasn’t very interested in life. How can anyone choose just one thing to spend their energy on? Even if it’s just their professional energy?

Luckily I have a job where I don’t have to specialize. I have to know everything there is to know about web design and development and about the university, and make good things happen with no staff, budget or colleagues. I complain about this all the time, but maybe this is really the best situation for me.

The only downside is that when you do a little bit of everything, you are an expert at nothing. And it would be nice to be recognized in some way for the countless hours I spend learning and working toward perfecting the jumble of skills I have amassed.

In fact, I think I will recognize myself right now with a glass of wine in the hot tub. And in a week or two I’ll recognize myself with a trip to Alaska.

I am manic, and depressed, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Filed under Depression, Personal